Monday, March 01, 2010

Transmissions from Kurtz

Periodically, Colonel Kurtz adds his insights to all things human and right with the world, and twists them horribly wrong. These are transcripts of his dreams. The horror. The horror.

A pepper plant is a gift that keeps on giving. So are herpes, and I didn't want either one for my birthday. Thank you very much, Catherine Baumgartner!

Napalm is a jelly, but not one to be used for personal lubrication. Except for the Brazilians. They're hot, hot, hot!

It is wise when going up against an opponent that you not underestimate him. Be the aggressor, and start your attack by stepping forward on your weak foot while driving with your dominant foot, then thrust the blade of the knife sideways across your opponent's jugular with the dull side of the blade firm against your arm. With your free hand, grab the back of the opponent's head and pull towards your armed shoulder, then thrust your dominant leg upwards into his sternum to crack it in two. Do this in the field and you'll live to see another day. Do this on Jeopardy! and they'll send you away without the home version. Trebek, you stingy bastard.

Surprise your wife tonight with a dozen red roses. Cook her dinner and rub her back and feet. This will limber her up before you send her screaming into the woods for your nightly game of hide and seek and destroy.

One year for Lent I gave up my faith.

I met a family of opossum once. Damn fine spellers.

Time heals all wounds. SO do sutures and betadine. And fire. Whichever way you go about it, it's going to end up hurting.

When an ostrich is trying to disappear and hide, it buries its head in the sand. I find that when I bury other people's heads in the sand, it tends to make them disappear, as well.